As I've said, I know that I am very lucky, but it can be hard not to be a little whiney in the wee hours of the morning, when you'd trade a major organ for some sleep...
Yesterday Morgan was fussy on and off all day and I could not figure out what was wrong. I half-thought she might be teething because she was drooling a lot, gnawing on things and just plain fussy. It must be too early for that, though. She would just cry and wriggle and I also thought she might have trouble going potty. Later that day she finally went potty, but her mood really didn't improve. In the afternoon, for some reason, my pumping output dropped some. I had 3 sessions with 5 or fewer ounces produced and that's lower than normal. I usually have enough milk for her 6pm feeding and her 8pm "after bath/before bed" feeding, but I was running low. I tried to get her to eat a little less, since I knew she had eaten a lot anyway, but she was acting like the was starving to death! I thawed out some of my most recently frozen milk, but as usual, she didn't like it. She ate some and cried, ate some more and cried, etc. Finally, I got up and gave her an ounce of the milk I had reserved for her bedtime feeding and she ate that, but I worried about what would happen at her later feeding. Sure enough, after her bath, she was eating and acting ravenous, so Greg fed her while I pumped again. Usually my 9pm pumping session will yield enough milk for her night feedings. This time I barely came up with enough milk.
She is supposed to be going to bed at 9pm these days, but she just would not go to sleep! She was acting hungry and was wide awake. I tried to put her to bed and she just looked up at me, saying, "ah goo". She'd alternate this with gnawing on her hand, like she'd trade a major organ for a gallon of milk. Since I was low on milk in a bottle, I decided to try and nurse her. I thought the flow might be slower since I had pumped earlier - WRONG! She nursed for about 2 minutes and seemed full and fell asleep. I picked her up and she woke up again, all wide-eyed. I took her to the crib, swaddled her and she just wasn't having it. I picked her up, wrapped in her swaddling blankets and rocked her in my arms, at which time she proceeded to spew a ton of milk out of her mouth, and all over me and her swaddling blankets. Ugh! She was sputtering from all the milk she spit up, so I unwrapped her and patted her back. I had to change her clothes, which did not help her get to sleep. I, then, dipped into her night feeding milk, since was still acting like a starving baby. She finally dozed and I was able to get her in the crib, swaddled and asleep.
She only slept about 2 1/2 hours and was up again, crying, gnawing her hand and doing the starving baby routine. I fed her what was left of her milk and thankfully, she went back to sleep. Greg had woken up, too, and made me some toast because I was feeling a little weak.
As I was sitting in the chair, I noticed how lumpy my left breast felt and I wondered what could be clogging things up. This is why I wasn't getting much at my pumping sessions. Right after feeding Morgan, I went to pump and I started this blog. So much milk has come out of the right side, I've had to switch collection bottles. I guess the blockage has cleared!
While all of this was going on, I couldn't help entertaining the notion of switching to formula and being done with it all. I wouldn't have to worry about having enough milk (as long as I kept the pantry stocked) and maybe she'd feel more full and sleep longer, etc. I feel so guilty every time I think of it, though. It just gets to be so much sometimes, with the 'round the clock pumping and her getting up every 2 hours. I daydream about the sleep I might get if I didn't have to pump. With breastmilk being what's best for the baby, I don't understand why nature didn't make it easier! Why must it be so hard? I keep thinking that as she gets bigger, she'll be able to handle the overactive letdown of milk, but that hasn't happened yet. I worry that the day I do finally switch over to formula, I'm going to get really sad and feel super guilty. Ah, so much guilt we face as mothers...
Well, I'm about done pumping and appear to have made quite a bit, so that's good. I live to provide breastmilk another day...
Edited to add: I just processed the milk and it's a new record: 14.50 ounces, with 8.75 ounces coming from the right side alone!
have you possibly tried a nipple shield for the over active let down?
ReplyDeleteYes, that's the only way I do it now when I try. It still doesn't help block it enough. :( The nipple shield fills up with milk at the tip and she knows that there's a lot of milk behind it and still gets scared. I even nursed her after pumping. It seems that no matter how little milk there is, it wants to come out at a rapid pace.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to breast feed and to have so little sleep. It sounds like you really are doing a wonderful job. Some days are harder than others but thankfully they don't happen all the time. I too went through times where I thought I should just go to formula but just as quickly as I thought that I would think I just couldn't do it because I was so afraid that I would regret stopping, and once you do you can't get your milk back in. Continue to take it day by day and do what you think is best for you and the little one.
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